2 Common Communication Struggles
By Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Last night my husband and I pulled a card from our Table Topics for Couples. It asked us:
Is it more important for communication to be authentic or kind?
This topic sparked a really interesting conversation. The question highlights two very common struggles that get in the way of a lot of great couples’ communication.
Here is the first mistake: taking authentic communication as a license to be mean.
Sometimes, you probably have thoughts that are authentic and mean. Often our meanest thoughts come up when we have the most emotions. High emotions = cognitive distortions (thinking errors) colouring the way we see reality to match how we feel in a heightened emotional state.
When you say things in this state, you’re likely generalizing, using “all or nothing” thinking or personalizing something. You want your communication to be authentic, but it should also represent of how you feel in the big picture and not just in that emotional moment.
Have you ever been mean or verbally attacked your partner when you’re upset? I am guilty of this.
A normal response to being attacked is to defend yourself. So, if you get the sense that your partner is quite defensive, you probably need to take a look at your approach.
Are you attacking?
Defensiveness can also become a habit. If you are attacking most of the time, your partner will develop the expectation that every conversation will be an attack.
So, consider whether you are attacking, and if you are, work to generate a pattern of safety. At first, I did not like this. I thought I had been expressing my truth, not attacking. I had to learn new communication tactics to increase the chances of being seen and heard without compromising the heart of the message.
The communication skills I learned helped me to express my frustration authentically without attacking or being mean. It felt really vulnerable to do this.
For example, one night, my partner stayed out late with his buddies, and I felt hurt.
I said things like: “You’re so selfish, you don’t care about me.”
Most people don’t respond well to being called selfish, but at the time, I thought it was justified.
I had to learn to say different things, like: “When you stay out late and don’t let me know, I feel like I don’t matter to you.”
This second way is more vulnerable. It required me to admit the impact of his actions on me. It didn’t feel authentic or organic for me.
Now that I’ve been committed to being a better communicator for a long time, it feels authentic to communicate that way and I can use it like any new skill.
The key to authentically communicating is to describe the hardship you’re experiencing without assigning blame or criticizing your partner.
It’s about being as neutral as you can, objectively defining the situation, and describing the impact on you, not describing your partner or what you think about their thoughts or intentions.
For example, if you say: “I think you place too much value on your friends.”
What you think about what they think may not be accurate, and it’s definitely not helpful, so it’s important to keep the focus on you. “When you’re out late with friends, I worry, and I don’t feel important to you.”
The second mistake that people make is confusing kindness with being disingenuous. These things are not the same. Being kind when you’re in conflict doesn’t have to be false, but it does take mindfulness.
Here are some ways to be kind in conflict:
Use the classic compliment sandwich approach when you’re talking about something your partner did wrong. Talk about what they’re doing right and sandwich what they’re doing wrong between that. When you talk about what someone’s doing right, it’s often easier for them to hear your complaint without becoming defensive.
Neutrally describe the impact on you without describing your partner. This might not seem flowery or nice, but it’s much more kind than being critical or blameful. It’s neutral, it describes the impact and what you want.
Offer empathy and validation for what makes sense about your partner’s perspective before you explain your point of view. It’s a simple way to be kind in conflict.
Very often we only listen in order to respond. Instead, acknowledge what is valid and what makes sense about what they’ve said. It requires you to really listen (which is not always easy), but it adds kindness and appreciation to your communication.
We can be kind in so many ways. I like to think the heart of being kind is protecting your partner as you convey your message. A great partnership means considering the relationship, being thoughtful, and striving to keep it safe while getting your point across.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.