Why Couples Fight
By Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Couples who often fight can they say things like:
I would like to feel more connected to my partner
I want to feel understood by my partner
I’m unheard and getting resentful
I’m tired of fighting about silly stuff
I’m walking on eggshells to avoid the next heated fight
We struggle to find a resolution
Why do couples fight?
1. Beneath the issues we’re talking about, we have needs, dreams, beliefs, feelings that aren’t being met.
You may not even be aware they’re not being met.
For example, last week I was feeling irritable with my husband. He had left a dish on the counter. This is not a big deal, I leave dirty dishes on the counter too, but when he did it, I felt angry. I had to pause and ask myself why I was reacting this way to a spoon on the counter. I realized I had some unmet needs about our rituals about how we usually do chores together. We had been busy over the summer, and the chores such as cooking or grocery shopping, which we usually do together, had been falling to me. I felt like I had taken more of the load, and the spoon on the counter made me unnaturally mad.
I had to understand what this meant to me – I felt like I was alone in these tasks and I wanted his help again.
I had a choice to make about how I brought the issue up. Do I yell at him for putting the spoon on the counter, or do I think about the meaning and go to him when I know more.
2. Past vulnerabilities and past hurts that have been swept under the rug and not dealt with.
When you sweep something under the rug, it will just keep crawling out from under the rug. If you have a past vulnerability about infidelity, abandonment, not feeling like you’re enough, or not having your emotional needs met, they are likely there, under the surface. Then when your partner does something that pokes at this vulnerability, you’re probably going to get upset. This could easily turn into conflict.
If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.
What that means is if you’re having a big reaction to something, chances are there is a deep meaning behind it in your past.
3. Missed bids for connection.
A bid for connection is anything you do to get your partner’s attention, to show them affection, to build connection. When you make a bid for connection, your partner can do one of three things:
a. Turn towards,
b. Turn away, or
c. Turn against.
Turning towards a bid means noticing your partner has made a bid and engaging with them.
Turning away from a bid means missing the bid, or not acknowledging it.
Turning against means rejecting the bid, or using defensiveness, criticism, or contempt.
Turning towards fuels relationships. Turning away or turning against are more likely to turn that moment into a conflict situation.
As John Gottman points out in his book What Makes Love Last? The number one thing that couples fight about is nothing. We fight when there is a missed bid for connection and feelings are hurt, and so we squabble about these little things.
4. The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse
a. Criticism
b. Contempt
c. Stonewalling
d. Defensiveness
Need a quick refresh on these Four Horsemen? Watch this short video.
Very few people respond well to any communication that falls into one of these categories. It will tend to cause conflict and can be outright toxic.
Of these common mistakes, which do you see cropping up in your relationship?
Unmet needs
Past vulnerabilities
Missed bids for connection
The use of the four horsemen.
When you become aware of what is fuelling your conflicts, it gives you insight and a clear path of what you need to work on to start improving your communication.
If you’re interested in tools to improve your communication and prevent fights, check out
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.