6 Signs It’s Safe to Trust Your Partner
By Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
If you want to open your heart, to trust, to feel safe and secure with someone, here are some criteria to help you out.
Trust takes so long to build. It’s like weaving a rope: thread by thread by thread, and like a rope that takes a billion tiny fibers to build, it can be severed in an instant.
Trust can be hard. That could be because:
You’ve been betrayed by your current partner
Maybe a past partner has broken your trust
Or maybe you’ve never really learned how to trust
If your past relationships felt unsafe, unstable, and inconsistent, or if inconsistency, instability, and lack of safety has been modeled as normal for you, you’re probably going to be more tolerant of partners who aren’t trustworthy because the feelings that arise from these behaviors feel familiar, normal, or even comfortable to you.
If you had relationships where trusting resulted in betrayal, your walls are probably up and you’re not sure how to evaluate if someone is trustworthy, and whether to let them in.
No matter the reason that trust is hard, part of healing is learning to trust and understanding when to trust.
In John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book What Makes Love Last, they outline six elements to consider when determining if someone is trustworthy.
1. They care about the emotional impact of their words and actions
Untrustworthy people think about the impact on themselves, not you. They are most concerned with their own emotional payoffs, their pleasure, their pain.
If they don’t care about the impact their behavior is having on you, chances are, they are not worth trusting.
2. Honesty
People who are honest demonstrate their trustworthiness. People who lie to you or to others don’t hold honesty as a priority.
3. Transparency
Transparency is if someone is forthcoming. Signs they’re transparent include:
Sharing you with their family and friends
Being open and forthright
Answering your questions without you having to dig for details
4. Accountability
This is where your partner’s words match their actions. Gottman and Silver note that it’s best to be suspicious of people who just say, “Trust me,” in response to specific questions. If their words are accompanied by actions, their actions will help you determine if they are trustworthy. If they said they’d be there, did they show up?
5. Ethical Actions
Are your partner’s words and actions in alignment with your values, expectations, and morals? If not, chances are you’re going to struggle in a relationship together.
6. Proof of Alliance
This is when your partner demonstrates that they’re on your team. They prioritize you before others. They show this in ways big and small. They demonstrate they’re willing to make sacrifices for you, your happiness, and the relationship.
Keep in mind, these elements are to measure against generally normal relationships. Relationships where there is abuse or domestic violence can have some features of trustworthiness, but criteria number one will rarely be met in relationships that border on abusive.
As you think about these six elements, you can decide for yourself what your “passing score” is, but chances are, if your partner is not ranking very highly, this is a significant red flag.
If someone ranks high, this doesn’t guarantee they’re not going to break your trust. In all relationships, at times, we’re going to betray a trust. This might be in small ways. Maybe they weren’t there for you when you needed them. Or maybe they you told a white lie. These aren’t excusable, but they do happen from time to time.
You’ll want to determine: are you with someone who’s willing to make it better if there’s a small breach?
Trusting is a risk. It takes courage to let down your armor and expose your heart to somebody else.
A trusting relationship can be one where you feel safe, special, and free all at the same time. You get to experience what it’s like to have someone to support your struggles and celebrate your wins. You have a shoulder to cry on when you need comfort; a person who will allow you to push yourself further because they’ve got your back.
You only get these benefits of a relationship through trusting someone else, taking that risk.
But first, you have to determine if that person is worth trusting.
To help, I created Six Signs to Know If Your Partner is Trustworthy. It’s a free guide to download with an exercise to help you measure your partner or potential partner on these criteria to help you decide if they’re trustworthy or not.
I know how hard trust can be. I’ve struggled with it. I had accepted that people were unstable, unpredictable, and they weren’t going to be there for me. I picked partners that continued to replay those patterns.
To pick a solid partner that loves me and who has my back, I had to be willing to understand and take a step back so I could determine what trust was and hone my trust radar to pick better partners.
It's ok if these things don’t come naturally to you. Learning to trust takes hard work. If you’re willing to do the work, chances are you can learn to pick someone who is worthy of the trust you give.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.