What happens in your brain when you fall in love
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
And how to keep your love alive in a long-term relationship
Just meeting some people can make your heart skip a beat, or sometimes you meet someone really great and they seem to check all the boxes, but there’s no spark.
Why?
Biology.
Our brains are wired to connect with other brains. Connection may be instant, or on the other hand, someone who is great on paper won’t necessarily produce sexual attraction.
In the TV show Nashville, Maddie Conrad, daughter of mega country star Rayna Jaymes, falls for Rayna’s fiancé Luke’s son Colt. Luke had proposed in a stadium in front of a massive crowd with a seven-carat ring, saying seven was his lucky number. While Luke and Rayna’s story also touches on sexual chemicals in the brain, I thought Colt and Maddie’s story did a great job showing the depths of attraction in early love.
A few weeks before Luke and Rayna’s wedding, Rayna was taking a reporter on a tour of their home. As she walks the reporter through her house, they come across the soon-to-be stepsiblings – Maddie and Colt – making out on the couch. Despite the knowledge that they were soon to be family, it couldn’t keep them apart.
At a conference, anthropologist and human behaviour researcher Helen Fisher noted that the early stage of love is characterized by an intensity of obsession that cannot possibly go on forever because it would be so destructive to our lives.
Early love features poor decision making and an intense drive to be with the other person. So, for example, the knowledge that someone is going to be your sibling might impact a rational decision of whether to pursue a relationship. But Maddie and Colt are in that early phase of love where you’re blinded to the consequences of your actions.
On the morning of Rayna and Luke’s wedding, the scene is set: white chairs arranged neatly on green grass, the sun is shining. Rayna meets Luke there and tells him that she can’t go through with the wedding.
The breakup of their parents does not impact Maddie and Colt’s desire to be together any more than their potential siblinghood. They have one initial blowout – but blowouts are pretty normal in early relationships – followed by heavy making out at school, and sneaking around to try to find time alone together.
How do our brains drive this early love behaviour?
In early relationships, we are flooded with chemosignals. Chemosingals are the glue that bonds early relationships. The primary reason for sexual chemosignals is to drive couples together long enough to start a relationship and possibly a family. While there are many, these are two key chemosignals that facilitate attraction and relationships:
Pheromones
Neurotransmitters
Pheromones
When a pheromone is released by one person, it generates a specific response in another. Believe it or not, these pheromones are tied to the odors we produce. Being around a new mate allows us to use scent to receive their chemosignals. This influences mate selection, sexual satisfaction, and attraction. Seeing each other in real life allows us to share pheromones.
If you’ve ever met someone and thought, “Huh, they don’t smell quite right,” that matters because pheromones contained in scent play a large role in the signals we give off.
Neurotransmitters
Oxytocin
This is a neurotransmitter that contributes to romantic connection with our partners. The more we touch our partners, the more oxytocin is released, leading to more involvement in the relationship. It’s kind of the cuddle hormone – it facilitates bonding and connection.
Dopamine
In that dreamy honeymoon stage, you’re flooded with dopamine that build up higher excitement and attention levels in your body.
Serotonin
You’ll also experience a decrease in serotonin when your partner leaves, leading to increased anxiousness and obsessive thoughts.
So pheromones and neurotransmitters are driving us to crave more and more time together.
Most couples experience the decline of the hot and heavy stage in their relationship. Chemosignals in your brain influence early relationships and change the longer you’re together. As time in a relationship passes, our desire to see the other person decreases because of a decrease in these chemical responses.
How Can We Maintain Connection?
Keeping connection alive when the chemosignals have quietened can be hard work. Luckily, there are things we can do to help make the brain work in your favor in a long-term relationship.
Sharing Experiences
Just as dating is important early in a relationship, it stays just as important as the relationship goes on. And like in early courtship, connection is about doing fun things, new things, sharing experiences, and giving your partner your undivided attention.
Admiration
Early in a relationship, we often talk about how much we like the other person. We let them know that we’re interested. Admiration really keeps love alive. So while feelings of connection can wax and wane, it’s important to keep telling your partner how you feel about them. You can say things like:
● Wow, I love talking to you
● You’re really sexy
● You are so special to me
Little comments like that go a long way in keeping connection alive.
Communication
If you’ve been talking to your partner for many years, it can start to feel stale – like you’ve run out of things to say. The foundation of an awesome relationship is a great friendship, so ask questions. Luckily, if you’re stumped you can hop on an internet browser and search for “first date questions” and get to know your partner’s inner world all over again.
Sexual Intimacy
You may not be drawn to finding alone time whatever the consequences like Maddie and Colt, but it is important to find time to be together. You can set the stage for biology to help you keep the spark alive. Competing with the demands of life can be difficult, but creating that time for sexual fun, attention, and care will create space for these chemosignals to assist with connection, attraction, and re-bonding.
It is normal for the intensity of early love to wax and wane over the course of your relationship. You can help by working with your brain and giving it a chance to keep your chemosignals – and your love – alive.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.