Are We Compatible?
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
We disagree so much. Are we even compatible?
Every relationship has problems. Really.
When conflict emerges, a lot of couples come to therapy wondering if they’re compatible, if they should be together.
It can be agony to love someone so much and still have these doubts, or to remember how you used to be in love and feel uncertain if you still are.
The One for You
I recently watched The One on Netflix. The premise of the series (if you haven’t seen it), is that you can test your DNA to find your perfect match –who you’re scientifically guaranteed to love. The One tells the stories of several couples that match and fall quickly and passionately in love.
Rebecca Webb is one of the founding scientists. She and a colleague put Rebecca’s DNA through the system to uncover if their matching theory really works.
She finds herself on a sandy beach at a bar, chatting with a bartender. The connection is palpable, and the conversation flows easily. It’s as if they can’t take their eyes off each other.
Rebecca asks her match to come and live with her. Although they are deeply in love, her match also loves his brother, who is his only family, and who doesn’t want to move. He loves her, but that love is not enough. They can’t resolve their incompatibility, so they break up.
Other matched soulmates in The One deal with affairs, lies, and betrayals, despite guaranteed love. Now, of course, this is a tv show and not reality, but it highlights the importance of compatibility.
Why Chemistry in Early Dating is Different than Being Compatible
The couples in The One definitely have great chemistry right from the start, but that’s not the same as being long-term compatible.
In early dating:
Your brain is flooded with neurotransmitters that build up excitement and attention.
You experience a natural high, making your mind go a million miles a minute. It also increases your readiness to have sex.
When you leave your partner, you experience a decrease in serotonin, leaving you with an increase in anxious and obsessive thoughts
o Do they like me?
o Are they going to ghost me?
All these chemical reactions make you feel compatible early on, but it’s too soon to tell whether you have the compatibility for a relationship that will last.
5 Components of Compatibility in Long-Term Relationships
Even in The One, where there’s a perfect system for finding the one, we see that falling deeply and passionately in love with the perfect match is not enough.
We need compatibility, and that means:
Beliefs and Values: You have similar enough beliefs and values.
Goals: You share similar goals for the future.
Good friendship: A sense of being known by your partner, knowing your partner, and enjoyment in doing things together. Knowing you are liked by your partner, and you like them.
Managing conflict: A sense that you both are willing to approach conflict as a team. You work to address inevitable conflicts respectfully to protect each other and your relationship.
Showing Love: You are both willing to love each other in the way each person wants to be loved. You both show how much you like each other through words and actions.
Loving someone can be deeply vulnerable. It’s hard, because real life is messy. If you have that foundation of compatibility, when you have those inevitable conflicts, you can more easily move to making amends, forgiving, and repairing and get back to enjoying the good parts of love faster – the parts where it feels like you have a safe place to land, someone to go home to, a place to belong.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.