Three Secrets to Emotional Intimacy
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Are you looking for how to feel close, connected, and create more security with your partner?
Or for tips to get the emotional connection you want?
Let’s talk 3 secrets to creating emotional intimacy.
Stop Negative Conflict
The first step is to identify behaviours and barriers that are creating or fuelling conflict.
Are you demanding, controlling, attacking, criticizing or literally pursuing by following your partner around the house? Or are you shutting down, stonewalling, physically leaving, or trying to self protect? Most people do a bit of both, but most times we have a predominant style. To create emotional intimacy it can be helpful to identify what behaviours are getting in the way. When you can identify your behaviour you can experiment with alternative ways of being to see if that helps bring your partner closer or pushes them farther away.
If you’re like a lot of my couples, you likely would prefer you partner just change. If they could only stop shutting down, stop leaving the conversation, or stop being disrespectful then you wouldn’t do that thing you do. But I encourage you to notice how you behave, and really look at how you could try something different. I know it’s way easier said than done.
Add Threads to Your Emotional Intimacy Rope
If your relationship is like a rope between yourself and your partner, each action you take can add threads or take threads away, strengthening or weakening your connection. Picture each kind act, each thoughtful effort as another fibre you’re adding. You can explore this practice more in the blog article the Emotional Intimacy Rope.
Create Rituals of Connection
One example that I recommend is to create Happy Homecomings.
What does that mean? A happy homecoming is how we greet our partner when we meet up at the end of the day. And if you are both working from home due to COVID, you might need to be creative in how you create an end of day routine that is positive.
Most of us want to know our home is safe and we look forward to going there, but too often, when we are in conflict with a partner, we can dread going home to face them. Think about making your home inviting. A simple thing to do is greet your partner warmly, wait a few minutes before addressing any displeasing topic. I have seen this simple action transform relationships. Once couples who once operated like two passing ships in the night started ordering a meal deliver service and preparing it together and putting on music, doing this together before discussing any action items or grievances with the other person. Another couple agreed that whoever is home first, when they hear the other person get to the door, they stop what they are doing and go to the door and hug the other. These couples have worked to create join rituals, and these rituals add threads to their ropes.
Think about how you can increase your connecting experiences. What are some rituals that you can create in your daily life to foster that feeling of connection?
For more on emotional intimacy check out the FREE GUIDE Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet, A Simple Couples Communication Exercise to Re-ignite Emotional Connection.
Empower yourself and your partner with done-for-you questions to ask each other to deepen emotional communication.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.